Hope

The gynecologist told me that my ovaries had developed numerous small collections of fluid (follicles) that failed to regularly release eggs

Said if I paid 100 dollars he would give a wonder regimen that would make the endless bloody bouts cease

I would comfortably count my safe days and know when exactly I would see the red moon reappear within 28 – 30 days

Said my head would not fly away in endless worry

The Nutritionist said all I had to do is make a change in my diet

Said if I could switch much of the red meat for green leafy vegetables and fruits, kicked out fats from my plate, this would improve my body’s use of insulin

My hormones would return in check within no time and I would have less wings to stick every month

The psychotherapist told me my heart was heavy

The trauma it carried from failed attempts in this journey was great

Invited me to her couch and we had endless talks about my past and how I felt in time

Promised me that all I needed to do was talk about and all would be okay

The pharmacist said Clomiphene, Letrozole, Glucophage, Gonadotropins

The doctor said fluvoxamine would mute the pain

The pain and shame said do not write this article

Everyone is so busy dealing with bigger issues to deal with your trivial issues

But the faith in a God bigger than me told me you can write this article

My hands trembled on the computer as I typed

The chandelier of my insecurities fell and cut deep through my soul

My eyeballs rolled and turned red as the veins in my head bulged to allow more blood flow

The tomorrow that has come and gone

And it has not gotten better

Much has been done but nothing has worked yet

But when I thought I hit bottom, it started hitting back

There is no bruise like the bruise of thinking this will be your story for-ever

But over the years I have learned to live with something many may never understand

Never even know it exists

I have learnt to believe in slimmest of hope

Learnt to be happy even when it does not seem worth it

Learnt to love and put myself aside for another

Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) is a part of my story but NOT my story

Maybe it happens for the lessons I may have never learnt if this was not part of my story.

If you are out there and you see no reason and lesson in what you are going through, put that pain aside and search within you. That pain is NOT your story but it is a part of your story.