It is a life that she did not want to taste even when all she wanted was to experience it thanks to her fears. She grew up mostly in the presence of her mother with so little clue of the relevance of men in one’s life except for the brothers who were nothing but just siblings. To her every man was a liar for she believed that they would soon or later be absent just like her father.
For the biggest chunk of her teenage life she stayed away from any emotional friendship and this went all the way into her university days. As she was about to leave university, She let her guard down to a man who had lured her for quite some time. She decided to take her chances but she carried her fears along with her. Just like any other new journey it was exciting and she knew she had hit the jack pot. She removed her fears from her sleeve and hang them not so far away. One thing for sure is that she was in love and determined to make it work.
It was not long before the turbulences began but for fear of rejection and the branding of a failure kept her there. Some days were good but many of them were not but she held out hope. She believed in a God who could never fail and this of course was no exception. She bent the rules of almost everything she believed because to her this was her version of submissiveness so if she started it this early the better it would be; practice makes perfect right? As the red flags flew high past her she ignored them because she was not ready to dwell on ‘negative energy’. She bandaged her wounds each time with a few cries and was strong all through
For three and a half years she prayed, fasted, hoped and did it all. Instead of letting go, she held on even with bruised hands unfortunately it never got better. It is good to hold on faith and believe, fast and wait out but sometimes it is better to let go. Sad as it may sound, not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever and also it is okay for the strong to be weak. Remember this today, reach out when you need help and allow yourself to be vulnerable.
Vulnerability is sexy, never let yourself tear apart alone and do not ignore the signs, even the small ones matter. Not all signs will be big.
To everyone out there who is wearing their fears on their sleeves and are afraid to move, talk to someone, go to therapy, find help somehow. It will be almost impossible to do it alone.